Home Stretch

By this time on Saturday I should be living in my new place. Can't wait can't wait.
By this time next week I will practically be done school. Can't wait can't wait.
This weekend is full of music and old friends. Can't wait can't wait.

The black cloud has lifted and there is once again joy in the world.

Thanks Cuz!

Queen of the Underground, originally uploaded by c.e.s..

Caroline is leaving me alone in the oldlady tomorrow. It's going to be weird without her here, but thankfully I have exams to distract me, and I'll be moving into my own digs at the end of the week.

When we were looking at her photo album, we came across this series of sketches she made a loooonnnng time ago. They are awesome, so I put 'em up on flickr.

Love ya cuz!!!

Shot of UGH

I went out with the kids from work last night. They are nice kids, but kids nonetheless - I've got a decade on most of them which puts us (as far as I'm concerned) on different planets. For the second time in my life I went to the lower deck and sang along with sea shanties while people yelled out "sociable". If you know me, you can understand that I was totally out of my element.

And this morning, feeling tired, hungry, lazy and sorry for myself.... I realized, as I often do, that I have no element. The people that I used to have fun with are also on different planets - the planets of babies and families and normal things that people my own age are supposed to be doing.

I know this is just a mood, and it will pass, but I am crushed by the weight of loneliness today and it is a crippling feeling. I've got to stop talking about getting my shit together, and actually get my shit together. I'm lost.

Material Girl

I think that watching so much TV is making me depressed. Suddenly I am desperate for new clothes, better furniture, more food. None of these things are in my budget. Living beyond my means is really starting to get to me. I see no way out of the predicament of struggling along, trying to make ends meet, with no capital left for fun.

Once money becomes an overpowering source of stress, everything else seems to loom larger.

I said I was ok with not having kids, but this past week I have been panicking about that very thing. Is this a biological clock response to age, or am I talking myself into worrying about things? Or is it just the flood of hormones that accompanies the moon phases?

Money bugs me. I hate that it can affect my mood, steal my sleep, knot my stomach. Even when I try to be responsible, I still have to borrow money from my parents more than once a month.

Life and its tedium is under my skin this week, I have slipped into desperate cougar mode; I want a husband and I have no idea where to start. The first step is "getting out" more, but I don't even know where I would go and getting out is too expensive anyway.

FUCK.

No More Drama

Thank god this week is over. There were a few moments when I thought I was going to collapse into a heap of emo meltdown, but here it is, Friday at 5:30, and it is DONE.

The apartment sitch seems to have sorted itself out, as I suspected it would, and I think plan A is back on. Relief.

It's nice to have another person around when coming home from work in the wee hours, though. I am also really diggin' having cable. It sucks me in so fast. Last night we watched "The 101 strangest things ever removed from the human body". This is quality TV.

I have never lived higher than the 3rd floor before, so Park Vic is a bit of a trip. Getting off the elevator walking down the hallway, one really gets the sense of being in a hotel. Once inside it's easy to forget you're suspended in mid-air until the medi-vac takes off and panicked eyes fly to the window, images of 9-11 all too readily available in memory. Weird. I used to get really freaked out at work by that too, and we were ten floors lower than i am right now.

Actually, nine floors, because there is no thirteenth floor. This amuses me, because doesn't everybody on the 14th floor know that they are actually on the 13th? Weird.

The pigeons love to use the balcony as their personal shit depository. They make a strange noise that sounds not human or animal - it's loud and it has freaked me out on more than one occasion.

If you look out the dining room window, it is just STRAIGHT DOWN to the street. It's a long way.

I feel like Caro & I are co-eds or something, we come and go to class and come and go to work, converge in the living room in the "morning", bleary-eyed over caffeine. Our schedules are stuck to the fridge which is cool, to be aware of another's comings and goings. We get lots of phone calls for Auntie Audrey. It's her place, but she has been in a nursing home for at least a year or so, debilitated from a stroke and going insane. She is old (90ish) and refuses to give up the apartment (she has lived here since Park Vic was built) because she is sure she will be coming home (i doubt it). She's not really our aunt, but our grandmother's best friend and she has been a part of the family forever. This place is frozen in time, and it's a blast to go through her photos and memorabilia. A whole life is crammed in here. Stuffed in boxes and drawers, closets and suitcases.

The past few weeks have been balls to the wall. Sort of one half step behind all the time, too tired to be stressed out but always on the verge of freaking.

We did our first grocery shop yesterday and I feel settled here. It's the first time I've lived with a family member, and I really dig it.

I'm going to stay on top of things.

Whaddup Cuz

On my first night here (Park Vic, high up), Caroline made chili and told me to eat whatever I wanted. Sucker! Life in the "Old Lady" is grand so far, I sleep well here and marvel at how much of the city I can see out the windows.

Caro and I are cool roommates. We both stay up too late, want to sleep more and love love love the coffee.

My cousins have been good to me lately; hanging out with Jer & Felicity in Charlottetown was a blast and even though I have been flat out since returning to Hali, I have been missing them a bit.

I may end up here on the nineteenth floor for longer than I was planning, since all my other plans have possibly completely fallen apart. I wish I could say more, but there is nothing more to say ... I am just not in the mood to deal with stuff right now, so I'm just riding it out. Maybe I'll know more next week.

Either way, the old lady's okay with me, living here cuts my walk to school down by almost 50%. I don't need no stats prerequisite to figure that out.